so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
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Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
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i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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