Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
