i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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