Yo dont text me then not text me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Are we still banned from the library?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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