Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
