I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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