the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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