What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
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I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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