Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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