Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
