in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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