I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
