I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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