I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
