i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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