I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
