I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
