I'm jealous of your bromance
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
