your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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