Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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