Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
