Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
So vagazzling was a success
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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