Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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