Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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