my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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