Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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