I cannot find my penis.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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