Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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