I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house