I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
