Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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