Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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