can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
