Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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