I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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