does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
