She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
vagina is talking i cant
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
