We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
