btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize