Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
