also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
