tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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