If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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