Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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