He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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