the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
