I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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