hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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