He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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