oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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