you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
