Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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