Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
