babies were throwing up all over the place
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
